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Damage
Control: Communicating Under Stress
"Every
morning when I leave my house, I say to myself, "Today I shall
meet an impudent man, an ungrateful one, one who talks too much.
Therefore do not be surprised." Roman philosopher Marcus Aurelius
Our
philosopher must have worked around some stressed-out colleagues.
Given enough pressure, even the most articulate communicator can
wind up screaming at a coworker or avoiding an interpersonal problem.
And we all know who gets to deal with these stressed-out workers
-- human resources. Which is, of course, stressful. In this article,
we'll take a look at what happens to our communication when stress
enters the office, how and why it does, and how we can prevent
it from disrupting our work relationships.
What's
Your Type?
Ever
noticed that people tend to relate to each other pretty consistently?
Some people keep their emotions close to their chest, while others
seem to wear their heart on their sleeve. Our emotionally expressive
example, person B, might be happy or sad or surprised; regardless
of how s/he is feeling, others around him or her tend to know
about it. This doesn't mean that person A has less feeling than
person B, but that person B is more likely to show his or her
emotions to others.
The
same is true for how assertively we express ourselves. Some people
are quick to speak up, make decisions, take action, and pressure
others to do the same. Others tend to take a more methodical approach
to decision-making and risk-taking, and are slower to confront
or pressure others.
Most
of us consistently fall somewhere along the emotional expressiveness
and assertiveness dimensions - and we do so predictably. Our usual
way of communicating is our "baseline;" emotionally intelligence,
in part, is the ability to identify and adjust to the "baseline"
of the people around us and recognize when the "baseline" shifts.
Which, under stress, it will.
Survival
of the Crabbiest?
Our
communication style changes under stress. There's a good reason
for this; we stop responding to external cues and start listening
to internal ones that tell us we're in a crisis and we've got
to fight to survive. We stop responding to what the interpersonal
situation calls for and start trying to reduce our stress, regardless
of the wishes or feelings of others. In essence, we resort to
fallback mode, i.e., the communication style we learned early
on that helped us survive difficult situations.
Our
typical communication style may become exaggerated and inflexible.
For example:
* the
emotionally responsive, assertive person attacks
*
the bottom-line leader becomes controlling
* the
reserved, cooperative person becomes ingratiating
* the
quiet, analytical person avoids
This
fallback mode is an extreme manifestation of our normal communication
style. It's almost as if our communication is a ladder and the
lowest rung is the most primitive. As we grow and develop, our
interpersonal skills (we hope) move up the ladder; we have more
strategies to choose from and we're able to respond to the cues
of the interpersonal situation we're in. When we experience enough
stress, though, we get knocked back down the ladder and often
wind up clinging to old, outdated communication strategies that
are ineffective but make us feel safe. This is our fallback communication
mode.
As
such, while our fallback mode can disrupt relationships, it serves
a good purpose by helping to reduce our stress. Which is why telling
someone to "snap out of it" or pointing out how ineffective the
communication is when someone is in it never works. What does
work is learning to recognize the signs and symptoms of a fallback
communication mode and developing strategies for minimizing its
impact on our work relationships.
Fallback
in Action
Let's
face it; no one is at his or her best under stress. When I'm stressed,
my husband calls me a firecracker. And, while I defend myself
profusely against this nickname, secretly I know that it's true.
Given enough pressure, my normally expressive, assertive communication
style turns into quick-tempered explosiveness. Of course, he's
no angel; when he's stressed, his normally efficient, bottom-line
communication style becomes dictatorial. Part of the reason we've
been happily married for ten years is that we've learned to recognize
the stress signals in each other and adjust accordingly.
One
of the most difficult interpersonal challenges human resource
professionals face is dealing constructively with stressed-out
employees. Companies undergoing either a downsizing or rapid growth
may have whole departments in fallback communication mode, looking
to you to help stop or repair the interpersonal damage this has
caused. To avoid becoming equally stressed (and unintentionally
responding with your own fallback behavior), use these strategies:
1)
Don't take it personally. Easier said than done, I know. However,
if your understand that a fallback communication mode is a survival
strategy rather than a personal attack or a plot against you,
you will be able to keep your objectivity while you help others
get back to a more effective communication mode. Helping your
managers to reframe each others' fallback strategies can produce
similar results - once they're out of fallback.
2)
Think crisis, not strategy. Imagine you're in the water drowning
and the lifeguard is standing by the pool trying to help you figure
out how you fell in the water. There's a time and a place for
analysis, but fallback is not one of them. Instead of having a
heart-to-heart with an irrational employee, engage in crisis management.
For instance, review their workload to make sure it's manageable
and that the deadlines are realistic.
3)
Provide stress management training. The number one cause of fallback
communication is stress buildup. Be creative in promoting wellness
activities like exercise, good nutrition, etc. Use your company
newsletter to promote stress management and take advantage of
the services your EAP programme has to offer.
4)
Sidestep the fallback position. Don't waste your breath trying
to get someone to stop operating from fallback. If they could,
they would. Instead the trick is to minimize the damage this crisis
communication style can have on interpersonal relationships. For
instance, teach your managers and employees to recognize their
own fallback communication signals and encourage them to find
ways to vent their stress without passing it to someone else.
Damage
Control When You Fall Back
Odds
are that you, too, will occasionally find yourself in fallback
communication. When this happens, here are things you can do to
relieve the pressure in the short-run without increasing stress
over time:
1)
Postpone what you can. As a psychologist, I adhered to a pretty
good rule of thumb in advising therapy clients; postpone any major
life decision for one year after a divorce. Many a new divorcee'
later regretted an impulsive relationship or career move or career
move that temporarily distracted them from the pain of divorce
but later created much more heartache. The same is true of fallback;
when we're operating under extreme stress, we're much more likely
to say or do things we later regret. This is the time to reschedule
meetings or postpone appointments if possible and avoid making
major life decisions.
2)
Get feedback from others. Most of us are pretty inaccurate when
it comes to self-evaluation. Find out how your communication,
in stress and out of it, impacts those around you by using 360-degree
evaluation as part of your human resource development program.
3)
Eliminate as much stress as possible. Do stress-reducing activities
such as walking or listening to music. Talk over a stressful situation
with other human resource professionals; as much stress is created
by our thoughts as by the reality of our situation and getting
a second opinion can help us correct errors in our thinking that
add to our stress.
The
Bottom Line
As
human resource professionals, we are taught to link employee stress
to workers' comp claims or employee assistance utilization. Rarely
is stress viewed as a relationship issue that can erode interpersonal
communication and wreak havoc on work relationships. Yet, the
reality is that excess stress can turn the most productive communication
style into a nonnegotiable, "my way or the highway" style of relating.
Human
resource professionals are in the line of fire when it comes to
stressful communication. Not only are we most likely to interact
with employees in communication crisis, the stressful nature of
our job makes us more at risk for landing in fallback communication
mode ourselves. However, while occasionally succumbing to stress
seems to be part of human nature, human resources can play a critical
role in helping managers and employees maintain effective communication,
even under the most stressful circumstances. By promoting ongoing
stress management strategies and training employees and managers
to identify and manage their fallback communication mode, human
resource professionals can turn a potentially disruptive coping
strategy into an opportunity for self-awareness and growth.
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